Mom in Graduate School

Acceptance: YAY What a Relief!

2011-12-15T18:31:00.003+08:00

YAY!!! My first attempt at writing is a success!!! YAY!!!

Dear Dr MOMPHDSTUDENT,

We are pleased to advise that your paper has been accepted for publication as an original article in the next available issue of the medium tier Journal. You will receive the galley-proofs in due course

Yours sincerely,
EDITOR IN CHIEF

4 more to go...hopefully

New Low

2011-12-05T19:25:00.004+08:00

I walk around knowing fully well that my trial ( the pun intended) will end one way or the other.. I know I should be proud. As an expat I have learnt the language, assimilated their culture. Recruited and retained a difficult group of subjects in a long long trial. Nothing but sadness lies within me... Because I realize that neither my supervisors nor their universities deserve a share in the success of this project.. which they eventually will stake claim for. The train of co- researchers who clamber for the byline dont deserve it. They havent been helpful... But that was an extraordinary expectation... They made things worse if they could. some people just made sure that they could make things harder for the project at every step, every day.

I listened to Prof. FIA.. And stooped with only the goal in sight. Yes I stooped to eventually win.. But there maybe no cheer in this win since something in me died everyday. I am tired.emotionally, mentally, physically.

What really upsets me is that during My worst days.. My family just added to the chaos. But then that again was asking for more..

So indeed I cry into my sleeves as softly as I can... Tell myself I have been patient for 2 years so its but another year..Pardon all the spelling mistakes..and blame it on my teary eye.. But you know what; I will sleep this bitterness off into a contained memory and start afresh tomorrow.. Because that really is what I am and that is really what one should be like if they intended to do a PhD

Updates: 3 Dec 2011/goals

2011-12-03T11:46:00.003+08:00

Publish a minimum of 5 papers from the thesis (3 before graduation)
3 submitted(: 1 acceptance?, 1 rejection being revised for another and one under peer review)1 with co-authors for editing (still)
Complete thesis

Introduction- submitted and approved by PI/ need to work on the others
Literature Review- Submitted waiting to hear
Methodology-(Completed)

Data collection (70% done)
Statistical analysis
Results and Discussion
Conclusion
Complete learning Module requirements5/5 completed (All assignments submitted)
Finish defending
Enjoy

Update On My To Do List

2011-10-28T11:02:00.001+08:00

Publish a minimum of 5 papers from the thesis (3 before graduation)

2 submitted
1 with co-authors for editing

Complete thesis

Introduction- submitted and approved by PI/ need to work on the others
Literature Review- Submitted waiting to hear
Methodology- Completed
Statistical analysis
Results and Discussion
Conclusion

Complete learning Module requirements

5/5 completed (All assignments submitted)

Finish defending
Enjoy!

Dead???

2011-10-18T18:17:00.003+08:00

My "Biggest Boss" has been asking me about the 2 papers I have submitted.

Background:

One of these was submitted 20 days ago... online position status "awaiting reviewer selection"

The other was submitted some 3 and 1/2 months ago and I have emailed the editor once after biggest boss insisted I did. The editor wrote back saying its with the reviewers and he was hoping to hear from them soon! Its a month since that now.. nothing yet

Biggest Boss: What happened to paper 1?

Me: Haven't heard yet Prof.

Biggest Boss: did you write to them when I asked you to?

Me: yes sir. they said they would be back asap.

Biggest Boss:How long is it since that email?

Me: 1 mon Prof?

Biggest Boss: Whys still no news???

Me: (Thoughts: editor dead maybe)No idea Prof!!!

Biggest Boss: If you have no idea email again!

Me: Sure thanks Prof.!

My TO-Do List

2011-10-18T17:31:00.002+08:00

Publish a minimum of 5 papers from the thesis (3 before graduation)

2 submitted
1 with co-authors for editing

Complete thesis

Introduction- submitted and approved by PI/ need to work on the others
Literature Review- Submitted waiting to hear
Methodology- Completed
Statistical analysis
Results and Discussion
Conclusion

Complete learning Module requirements

4/5 completed

Finish defending
Enjoy!

The Happiness of striking the last item off the to-do-list

2011-10-14T12:59:00.005+08:00

Yes!

Google has been my friend, philosopher and guide in my journey for my doctorate.

Yes I store my docs in google docs.

Use gmail to import my official emails on to my mobile

And more than everything else, manage my tasks, appointments with patients , their million rescheduling, my meetings and holidays.. not forgetting the schedules of my family.

Its always a moment of pride and quiet contentment when I strike the last task off my list for the day.

Yes a part of me says I could start working on the next assignment.. but then I dont want to

And usually I have scratched out all items on the to-do list and go to bed tired but contented.

Surviving

2011-10-01T19:19:00.003+08:00

Hmm.. It seems like years since I last wrote on this blog.

But then when I am busy with the thesis drafts and papers that can be cleaned up for publication, there is nothing much I can do about neglecting this blog. And frankly there wasnt much to say except work in progress, and more of the same.

Well for the few following my progress, my data collection is going on fine but the withdrawal rate is keeping me on tenterhooks. Please note that I am not using the word drop-out there. End point being reached and developing conditions listed in the trials exclusion criteria are the biggest worries. So that isnt actually speaking my inefficiency.. compliance is pretty good I should say.

Anyway.. by Dec 2011 I will have an idea of how or if this trial will successfully complete its due 1year period.

However, after a long time I am breathing today, reading a few blogs that I liked but could never afford too. My supervisors in recognition of the promise that I show (I am wondering what on hell did they actually mean by that: it must be the papers in the pipeline thingy) have paid my tuition fees for this semester too. So I am really happy that I didnt have to trouble my DH with that.

Now what occupies me are getting a grip on two things:

MCAR and MAR and their treatment in ITT.
Sensitivity analysis

And BTW, we had a meeting with the dean yesterday and he pronounced that we (PG students) had reached a point-of -no-return in our lives.. I could smell fear in the senate room and mine wasn't the only eyes dropping out of the sockets.

Hi again!

2011-06-21T13:08:00.004+08:00

I work with a group of subjects known to have a high drop-out rate. Well my incessant cribbing has stopped... because I have managed to keep them on with a reasonable drop-out rate for 6 mo. All by myself!!! No RA, no help of any kind.. Another 6 mo to go..

I have material enough for 4 papers at least!

So at this point, I am still worried if I can keep them on for another year. But I also strongly believe that this shouldn't be so much of a problem. Only Time will answer that one!

Cant wait to read my next post!!!

So How has life been?

2011-03-21T12:53:00.005+08:00

I wasn't here... because I was very much there elsewhere. yes!

I have been slogging, bordered on being an irreversible nervous wreck... But I am still holding up.

Well how are things at home?

Just as they were before, may be a tad more untidy.. but that's pretty much it!

Well how are things at school?

Between Ok and great!

I got a scholarship that takes care of all my fees for a year... So that's great right. But the scholarship came with additional work, so, thats not so much fun!

I have 3 UG's who are doing their research under my supervision. MY Sup probably goes around saying that she is mentoring me for academia.. But I know these kids are out with me, bcos sup1 hardly has an idea of how to supervise or even the project they are involved with. remember the project is my baby.. did I tell you that?

Ok I am going to stop complaining , shut up literally. cry if I have to, scream if I have too, but KIV the goal for as long as I can... One day at a time!

The best advice I got during this period

" Stoop to Conquer"
"Now there is one and only one goal for you.. dont lose focus of that.. but if there is a point that you feel that its getting to you and cant bear it anymore, I shouldnt"

Great words from Dr. F. Thanks Dr. F

I am also thankful to the comment from Sumiko (which I just published today). I read it a couple of times 'the- absent- from- home- mentally- and- physically" guilt took over. It still does... but I am hanging on for the present.

OK OK.. what's one thing that de-stresses me apart from my DH and DS? The Bill and Giuliana Show in E news!:-)

If everything goes well, I should be done within 2 years from now.

Is this worth it?

2010-07-20T19:34:00.002+08:00

I have stopped giving my son the attention I once did
I have stopped doing so many things that I really enjoyed.
I have reduced my talk time with my parents and inlaws .
I am not able to enjoy vacations as I did .
I dont want to cook
I am just so stressed?

Is all/any of this worth the two letters that I might get to add before my name? I am doing this because I really love my subject and research. I just wish somebody kept saying , "I have it covered for you.. Keep going!"

I miss being someone's child once again!

Is This Right?

2010-07-02T13:58:00.004+08:00

My advisor wants me to prepare a few of her lectures. She says she will pay for it but I should not mention them in my appraisal forms!

I have done a couple of things before but have not been paid. But I have put in my name alongside in these slides and papers (not sure if my name was retained though)

Is this correct?

Should I do this?

Illusion

2010-07-01T19:36:00.002+08:00

I am nearly a semester into this now! Things have been so slow.

Recruitment was delayed because a member of the staff went away on maternity leave! Can you believe that 2 mons at that.

Even after finding a replacement things have been slow.

I have doing slave labour like no one's business. Today we were doing my students' progress appraisal and I had put down all of this work in my academic activities. My boss says hence forth I will pay you for your work, but dont add them up in your appraisal report!

Depressing meetings to say the least. I am losing interest... or is it that I am tired???

I refused to cook dinner tonight...

You know what the good thing is I am going to the HR and asking them to find me a job vacancy to keep me going.

Changing Guides and Universities...Not so uncommon????!!!

2010-05-07T07:53:00.006+08:00

I have been a zombie the last one week brooding and internalizing all the hurt. The serious illness of "extended" family members have weigh down upon me too. There have been days when I just couldnt decide.
Well this boss/friend of mine, a PhD student from the London school of tropical medicine and hygiene, (I am an RA for him) tells me that changing guides and universities is not so uncommon. He has done it once himself. All other PhD students came up with their stories and a few had like changed*3. The only other person who hadnt, was just into the course and had switched university and guides after her Masters, bcos of the earlier supervisor's unprofessional and unbearable attitudes, despite continuing in the same area of research.
What is this about? Does education corrupt humanity or what?
I am in disdain of doctorates that dont teach people not to steal other people's work, not to take advantage of one's position, not to hurt others personally. How do these people advance the mankind, if they cant even qualify to be human???
Update : Well a reader friend calls in to say, that what I am looking for would require a PhD in Moral Science! Very Funny!

Sulking...

2010-05-04T07:06:00.005+08:00

Tle last I met my advisor in person was on March 22nd. Well adv fell sick and dumps all kind of work on me. Does not answer emails pertaining to our project.
But sends emails dumping more and more of her work, basically lecture preparations, presentations an paper writing... I have sincerely spent 70% of the last month and doing her work. And the amount of work getting dumped on me is crazy.
Tried talking to the Dean of PG... no response.
Well I dont know what to think.. now.

Publish or Perish

2010-04-28T18:28:00.002+08:00

A PhD student writes up an article for a conference on request from the supervisor. It is a solo effort (you know what I mean?)
Student very cutely put in his/her name as the second author, supervisor the first. Made the slides and notes for the overseas presentation. Tutored the supervisor on the topic.
A few months pass, ...
The student emailed and asked the professor, if a copy of the published abstract could be had. 3 emails -- no answer yet!
What do you deduce?
May or may not be a true story :-)

Sick ! Sick ! Sick!

2010-04-05T11:55:00.004+08:00

Why did I say that thrice?
I am sick physically (a virulent flu)
Sick mentally ( with having to deal with sickness in the extended family)
And sick mentally (2 )because my husband travels too much and I am having to play the role of a single mom. Being the mom, the RA and the PhD student gets to be way too much for me sometimes..
But fortunately ,to divert myself, I foucussed on my lit review, which seems to be almost complete. I know I will never accept that it is complete because I will want to tweak it till it seems perfect, which it will never be.!

I feel at home!!! Do I?

2010-03-18T20:55:00.003+08:00

Yes! I kind of feel "at home" in the University. The postgrads a bunch of good kids... a few very distant, but others sweet. No mean ones really.
I have been attending and helping undergrads with a few of their lab practicals and they are Ok too.
Looking at the infrastructure these kids have, I cant help feeling a little sorry for my compatritots who learned to learn with so much less. But the quality of the teachers was in most cases a little better or so I console myself!
I sometimes feel sad that we have to live in "alien soil" as runnaways/expats with limited rights and duties. I cant help feeling sorry for the conditions that drives most of us out and the acclimatization that makes returning even more difficult. I do not dare think about what is in store for us even a couple of years down the line:(

Excited Electron

2010-02-07T12:27:00.002+08:00

I compare my present state to that of an excited electron...

I am shaking with all the excitement and stress of the first week of being the registered student.I now have my place in the Univ. The real scale of the project begins to dawn upon.

The fact that my parents have now gone back is sad, because emotionally and physically I have to tackle a lot more by myself now. Moments of doubt and uncertainty plague and scare me. Go away you bugs...

Officially a student

2010-01-12T16:51:00.002+08:00

I am now (finally) an authorized student at Uni 1. Yes! I received the letter of approval from the immigration.

Yesterday Sup 1 who will henceforth be my "SUP" took me to my field and introduced me to those who will interact with me for data collection. I am in awe. The place is huge and I havent seen anything like this before!

Well I have a presentation for all the coordinating researchers on Jan 19th. I sincerely have started to feel the kind of work my research is going to ask of me!!! I hope I work up to it.

hmmm!!!
By the way, I got the grant from the Univ and sponsorships (1 from a national institution and another 1 from a corporate body).That probably should take care of the research costs at least, or I hope it will.

One Big Day!!!

2009-12-17T07:07:00.004+08:00

Today I present my research to the joint committee and I am given to understand that they are complete freaks!!! I havent watched a presentation to this committee before and I guess I would love to see a couple of presenations, so that I know what I am expected to do!

Well, I mailed the other Master's student at the dept. She is presenting her proposal just ahead of me. She said that she had just had a departmental presentation and that it went on well. I cant help feeling a little jealous because, she she had been given that extra advantage of presenting it to friendly terrain before she did so in the lion's den! While my visa waits, I am not a student yeta and have to make do with minimal establishment support! SIGH!!I hate being an International.

Just wish me the best!!! If things go well (even moderately) I will come back and fill you in on the gory details.

6.20pm. I am back home all rested and happy.:) yes!. My project has been approved with very minor modifications. I am so happy.
I bought myself an alphabetical binder for the literature review to celebrate. Now I am going to sleep off!

Lucky on 2 counts!!!

2009-12-10T09:56:00.004+08:00

Yesterday was great.
The presentation for the corporate sponsors from whom we were looking for sponsorship in part and in kind went off well. We sealed the deal :) yay!
And the Graduate committeee agreed to keeping me on the old fee schedule- another yay!
I should be so madly happy. But I am surprised I aint so???
The fact is that there are 2 things about my research design that come across to me as design flaws introducing bias into the study. I want to wrap these up so that I dont get torn down during my university joint committee appraisal coming up next week. I am nervous!
I cleaned up the wire mess near my kiddo's PC and am going to rearrange my wardrobe. These mundane activities I hope will help clear my mental clutter as they would apparently accomplish the same in the physical space.

New Year- New fee Structure

2009-12-08T15:47:00.004+08:00

Univ 1 wrote to me saying that since I will officially be enrolled from 2010, I will have to pay my fees according to the latest fee structure. I have signed and accepted their offer in May 2009.. So I am not sure they are technically right!
I was pretty upset when I got the letter last Friday... I also had my husband's cousin visitng us during the weekend. Though I was feeling so low, I managed to have some real fun. They were indeed a welcome distraction.
Anyway I am writing to ask them to consider my case. Meanwhile, I have written the paper and the abstract that my Sup wanted and have also prepared the presentation for the industrial sponsor that is due tommorrow. I got an email from sup saying " I am truly impressed. I just wish you success all the way!" I am truly honored and happy! Well almost, I will be if I got the financial assistance :)

Do you do this?? Is this the norm?

2009-12-02T10:02:00.002+08:00

Now that I have almost accepted to be a student at Univ 1, they have started treating me as one.

Sup 1 mails me this morning to say that she is due to give a talk on Topic X at Conference A . "Can you please prepare the paper for me?" she says. "This could be a directed study for you as well"- she adds.

So is this normal? Should I do it? I don't mind doing it, but I don't want to give the impression that I would be a good "Dump machine"

So, You Joining Us? Now what?

2009-12-01T10:11:00.004+08:00

Last night at around 8 pm my hubby's mobile rang. DH was pampering his mom on the landline, so I went up to answer his mobile. Surprisingly the voice asked if it was me. "Yes!!!" I said caught pretty off-guard. In those milliseconds, I was wondering who would call me on that line and if I was in trouble?

The voice says " I am calling from the student services of Univ 1, so you joining us from..... date?" I am like "Yeah Ok... I will join whenever you get my visa processed!" They have sensed my dilemma haven't they? Poor guys!

After taking the call, I almost pounced on DH to ask him if that commits me to project 1 and Univ 1 and sup1. He is like " I think yes". " You can work on improving your project, so it wont be something that you will regeret", he added cheerfully. " He was also wondering why I didn't think all that much when I committed myself to him. This is what I said,

"Hmm... Well the funding was taken care of, the project looked good enough and the advisor wasn't a dim wit!" :-)

Ok jokes aside, I have to stop fooling around and concentrate on the current project!

Need Advice!!!

2009-11-26T09:01:00.005+08:00

Dear Readers,
Prospective Supervisor2 from Univ 2 had scheduled a meeting for me at Univ 1 where I have decided to continue. This decision was based on the fact that though I like project 2 and sup2 better and I have the full scholarship there, they dont have funds for my research! Foreign universities dont get govt funding!
Sup2 from Univ 2 introduced me to her friend(S3) at Univ 1. S3 was appalled that I was going to work with Sup1(S1 is a balcksheep in her view). She even introduced me to this boy who had done some earlier work with S1 and he said with a twinkle in his eye "you are going to have fun!"
S3 suggested that I register at Univ 3 where she and sup2 could co-guide me with a PI from Univ 3(he/she would be just a working partner for grant purpose)
So now I am in a dilemma. Does all this sound Ok? Are these people tricking me into staying with them?
Should I proceed with Univ 1 and Sup 1? How are prospective graduate students expected to handle all this grapevine and politics?

Unbelievable!!!

2009-11-24T10:08:00.007+08:00

I had Sup 2 calling me this morning. Let me tell you this was one of the best 10 mins of my life. I have been accepted at Univ 2 with a full scholarship. But the irony is, Univ 2, it being a foreign univ. is having a hard time finding funds and networking with public institutions and this is a high budget project.
So I basically have 2 options, take a fully sponsored program at univ 2 and end up without funds for research or opt for a program at Univ 1 with where the project is facilitated but I dont find financial assistance.
Sup 2 says she wouldnt want to let go off me! I am really honored to hear that from a sup. So she has planned to meet me at Univ 1 (yes at Univ 1 and not at hers!) to introduce to me to a friend who works at Univ 1. She will try for the following

Finding some financial assistance for me at Univ 1
See scope for networking at Univ 1 which comes by funding so easily.

Well anyway she says she wants me to collaborate with her for a few publications. I dont want to ask for anything more for the moment. I am just content with the fact that things arent happening despite me being a sought after student.

5.30pm

I receive some info regarding the project from statistician at Univ 2. God What do I tell him. I think whatever it is it has to wait till I meet Sup2 tomorrow.

5.45pm. PI from Univ 1 calls. She says some other docs are needed to complete the grant submission process I did on Friday and that she is going off on a holiday from tomorrow. Oops! Just found that those sheets needed her sign and definitley a cursory glance from her atleast. Her lack of organization perplexes me all the time :(

I am also worried about the health report that comes in tomorrow afternoon!

Asking a PhD student if he/she suffers from mental sickness

2009-11-18T18:36:00.003+08:00

Hey I am in a much better mood since yesterday. I attribute it to

My hormone mix for the day (probably)
The thought that my project has almost got itself funded!
The very pleasant email from my guide this morning referring to my yesterday's presentation. "Well Done my dear, keep up the good work."
She managed to persuade the PG office to let me submit and propose my project while my student visa is being processed.

Well Ok- So I gave the health form one other look

What's with this asking a prospective PhD student "Did you have/currently suffer from mental illness?" I am having mixed feeling about this!

One More step

2009-11-17T18:28:00.004+08:00

Now that I am moving ahead with Univ 1, I took the last of the documents sort by the student visa processing guys. But when I left the docs with them, they give me a Health form(new policies I am told!) to be filled in by a certified Dr . The tests required that could match a Master Health Check Up. One of the questions asks me if I have ever suffered from mental illness ? I filled in similar questions in the application too. Yes I want to tell them I am losing my sanity with you guys!!!
You know what?- I really feel so tired and beaten! This country sucks!!! I must be real crazy to want to study here! But then I know I am!
Can you tolerate the foll?

Fill iBooklets in the name of application in duplicates
Provide innumerable paid attested copies of testimonials from a local notary.
Find/ get/LOR from long lost lecturers
Take English Tests
Churn proposals that change with the whims and fancies of each member in the research committee (I have just finalized my 5th at Univ 1 and coincidentally I have 5 in my committee)
Deal with Faculty who have no idea of how things work in their universities. "Well where should you submit the application. I am not sure? " can you ask so and so- who sent you to so and so. I am sure you get the swing of it.
Identify False pep-talk by prospective supervisors, promising funding, jobs.. "Big Lies"
Undergo Master Health Check Up
Survive aadmission process that can take a year
And most importantly no Financial assistance.

If you can stand all this, you may get in here!

But the only good thing today, I am not even sure if anything is really good these days, was that the committee agree that we have a great proposal. One of the committee members who is a big who's who of some society, says he will fund the study. Well then I should thank my stars, should I?

Are things clearing out?

2009-11-12T16:52:00.004+08:00

PI from univ 2 has come back and says that reviewer 2 had concerns about the budget of the project. Also the scholarship is a bit scary for them at this point I guess. I get the feeling a little nationalistic feeling went in and alarmed them at parting that sum of money to an international student. Though the university itself is international in the sense it has an off shore campus, its staff esp. those who dispense here with the scholarships may be total nationalists. Surprisingly it dosent hurt as much as it should have after getting assurances from the PI and Head of School all throughout this time that funding wasnt an issue of concern. The infighting and lack of understanding among members of the dept that I have become aware of, the hierarchy dominations etc. in the last few weeks was upsetting to say the least. PI says she will check on it and get back.

But I have kind of made up my mind that I will peacefully continue at Univ 1. I have a meeting at 7pm with the statistician at Univ 1 today. They may not have a THES ranking within the top 50, but definitely they seem to know what they are doing better than off shore campus of a super reputed university!

I am upset ! I am Angry!

2009-11-04T18:34:00.006+08:00

I typed this to my PI at Univ. 2 but decided to discard the draft in the final moments.. But I need to get this off my chest to just save this sad soul of mine and stay sane.
Dear PI,
Its now 2 months since I submitted my application and we had worked on it for 6 months . We have been waiting for 1/2 reviews for the last 2 months. The deputed authority fell sick went off on sick leave. Shouldnt it have been given to someone else? Ok you guys didnt think so. Its 3 weeks since he has started working again at the dept. and hasnt still bothered to give his silly comment. Its a week since I called up the research secy and she sounding apologetic and really peeved had assured me that if he didnt turn it in in a day or two it would be transferred to another member of the faculty. After that conversation I dont receive any kind of update from the dept or the secy. And you are away on your vacation.
When people go off on vacations dont you guys delegate your duties? Or is it that you guys chose to ignore a graduate student who because of her looking for the scholarship that your Univ may offer comes accross as a lowly beggar to you? Isn't 8 Months of my life time worth something. Are you guys not ashamed of what you are doing to me?

Regards,
Sincerely
Your Lowly Grad student.

But this what I sent in instead to the Research Secy (with a CC to my PI ) ..
Hi Research Secy!
It's a week since I checked with you. Do you have any updates on the status?
Thanks and Regards,
Prospective Grad Student

Holier Than Thou Attitude

2009-10-26T16:33:00.005+08:00

I am sometimes surprised by my own feelings.
I have been thinking a lot today and am worried if I am really weird!

I have never had anybody having to ask me for anything twice, leave alone repeatedly.
I find a large population of the society that I live in extremely superficial, having no idea of their roots, aims or purpose in life.
I find the confidence and smug looks on faces of most of the people I get to aquaint with baffling, considering what they have made out of their lives and how they have been instrumental in making their kids less than desirable as conscientious global citizens!
I find friendly banter and small talk shallow and though I do practice a little of it cant keep it up for too long!
I am content with myself and a select few online friends.

So in essence, I am a social disaster. Well the knowledge of this has been lurking around for quite some time and makes me insecure and stressed about meeting certain sections of the society. On the otherhand I dont want to be in any of their shoes. I am losing it or what.

I was always different and felt out of place. I was a year younger than the other kids at class. Most classmates at school and UG were people I couldnt relate to. I have a few good friends from these places, but very few. But during my Masters, things tremendously changed. I loved the so called "cream" from my state and nearby states who turned up at class after the highly competitive admission process. I had a great time. And I cherish these relationships that still are a part of my girly life. I long for one of these girls to stay close by or atleast to find one such kindred spirit soon enough!

US vs UK- PhD Admission Process

2009-10-23T11:50:00.009+08:00

While I wait for all my supervisors and administrative staff of Univ 2, who have gone off on their vacation to return, I seriously have to keep myself occupied.
And I worked on the budget and sample size calculations for Univ 1 for the 5th project and have emailed it. So I have pretty much nothing to do. Well its 12 noon here and I have the dinner ready, the laundry done etc. Nothing to do absolutely.. Maybe tomorrow's breakfast???

Well you may wonder it would pay to delve into my RP at univ 2; but I have worked on it for so long and infact started the lit review during my Masters some 14 years ago and I know much of it by-heart. I get the feeling I can defend my unwritten thesis. Well you definitely would get that feeling if you went through every paper written in your research area since 1979. :-)

I decided to spend some time over the internet just researching the Phd application process and how it differs accross the globe. I went into the grad cafe once again. I was smiling at these students who were taking up smoking, drinking or biting their nails just after a lapse of a few weeks or months after they sent in their application. I found this particular thread that discussed the difference between US and UK process. Well we follow the UK pattern basically and add up US procedures when we think it can make the applicants put in a little more work.
So this is what a Guru at grad Cafe had to say..
"One thing about the UK system is that you are expected to be further along in your scholarly development/growth by the time you apply. The admission consists primarily of a research proposal for the thesis topic - research questions, methods, start of a lit review, etc. In the US system, students aren't expected to have that much clarity about their research until they're further into the programme.
If you don't already know what you want to study, you'll probably find the UK process a lot of hard work, although you could contact a potential supervisor and ask what projects s/he has waiting for students. If you don't feel ready to start doing your own research immediately - you might need more stats training or background, for instance - then you're probably best to go for the US. If you feel ready to jump in, go for the UK. If, like me, you'd be happy either way apply to both"
Another budding Guru says ...
" Keep in mind that the nature of a British PhD is not as comprehensive as American programs. You don't have 2 years of coursework before you start writing your thesis (because you already did that in your masters) so you need to show that you will be ready on teh first day to start your thesis research/writing. My proposal is almost 4,000 words long and taht seems to be the norm! "
Dear Gurus,
Working with my supervisor we came up with a 20 page project proposal, with the lit review occupying 8 pages. We then edited it and made it easier for the reviewers and have submitted a 15 page proposal (4000 words) . Now that proposal is sleeping along with reviewer 2 whose comments are the only thing needed for the application to move into the last stage in the admission process.
Did I tell you how many stages went before it?

Enquiry email (GPAs+CV+ research interests+ draft RP)
Being hatched on to a PI who is deemed to be a close fit by the University.
Telephone interview with PI
Checking on credentials and eligibilty
Personal interview/discussion with PI
Working on improving the draft further
Formation of the research team (co-supervisors)
Further refinement of the proposal (repeatedly!!! checking for statistical validity)
Submit application to the university- (submit RP+LOR+ transcripts and a 35 page application form all in duplicates +pay their application fee(thankfully not in duplicate:)
Wait for 2 reviewers to give their comments (This is where I am - The reviewers review the suitability of the candidate for the Phd program, the suitability of the research team to guide the project, the infrastructure in the dept. to conduct the research and finally the project. Because the reiewer felt that I was worthy enough to do a Phd... and that the dept and sups were Ok enough too.... and had only a few modifications suggested for the research methodology , we have the rebuttal formalized for the comments . I thank my stars that this reviewer found me worthy..Now I hope reviewer 2 agrees that I am fit to do a PhD. Did I tell you that the reviwers are balanced genderwise, one man and one woman, taking care of bias eh?. ))
Present your rebuttal/ agree with the modification (We have formalized this one for reviewer1's comments.)
The Campus Research committee then gives the final decision.

You then get to apply for their scholarship! yay!!!

Tentative peace!

2009-10-21T09:12:00.006+08:00

Sup 2 had asked me to extend the deadline at Uni1 yet again.. She sure is interested in working with me, isn't she? Well, I am honored! But the catch is; she is off on a vacation and will return a couple of days before my deadline at Univ 1 expires. Wow! She really timed her vacation, didn't she?

So after 4 days of thinking and stressing out, I wanted to mail my sup1 at Univ 1. I was so worried about how I would do this, and to ammend the deteriorating situation my hubby sat with me and made me look at the album with pictures of DS as an infant, toddler, preschooler, till the time he entered the portals of pre-school. To be frank, the minute I look at the face of this child I dont worry about anything! Thanks DH and DS. I am so glad we are a family!

Finally I did do it before DH left for work. I did receive the reply before he had driven out of our compound...She said she is "extremely anxious" about my decision and asks me to keep working on some aspects of the project. I love this lady! I am not sure she is an intellectual heavy weight, but she sure is nice! She has caused the aching muscles in my neck to relax. If only Univ 1 had a scholarship/assistance scheme!
I am so relaxed that I might go off to sleep!

Life of the Living Dead

2009-10-15T10:10:00.010+08:00

I am just so pissed off! The last few weeks have been so tedious. My heart is just not into anything .. well not even watching Dr. House! Someting must be seriously wrong with me; going by the fact that I dont even want to watch Dr. House. My head and neck aches and unbelievable hunger pangs have been getting worse.

As if to add fuel to the fire UNIV 1 rings me up and gives me a deadline to register. I totally agree with them. But they didn't give me a tuition waiver or a scholarship/TA or anything at all, that was originally hinted at but withdrawn since they realized I was an international student.

Univ 2 has been so slow with this whole process.They required a perfect proposal to be submitted along with the application. It took whole 6 months for me to develop a project with Sup2 and the co-sups, including a statistical approval of the research design. I wasn't even a registered student yet, had no access to a university library and had restricted access to free parts of online journals. And the delay was never from my side, (oh me being the lowly-grad-admission-seeking-student). My supervisors and co-sups were very busy people and one co-sup despite living in another country was pretty punctual since he wasn't bogged down by the requirements of being in the academia. Oh he was from the industry. .

My application has been sitting there in their admission office for around 45 days now. Only 1 of 2 reviews complete. The second reviewer is absconding??? After they receive this review, the application will be sent to their main campus for appraisal and that might take another few weeks. I have given so much of everything into developing this project. And their tuition waiver and scholarship is important for me take up my doctoral studies.

So if they don't give their decision before my deadline at Uni 1 expires/ or if they reject my application(which is highly unlikely), I have the foll 2 options:-

I go ahead burning my hubby's pocket and do this PhD at Univ 1. Well I doubt if it will be worth it!
I give up all my hopes to study further atleast for now and I am already 30 something-label my blog the "Mom who wanted to do her doctoral studies and gave it up" and put down my last post. That would be a real pity! (Sob,sob)

I just want to curl down on the sofa and cry! Is it normal for a Univ to keep a student working for 8 months for an admission decision?Its not like this university is teaming with graduate students, that they are down to their knees in grduate admission applications. Its a good university alright, but graduate studies are not catching up here yet!

Waiting out another year to apply wont help because my choice will still be limited to these 2 universities.

Is it a crime to be an International student? I am not here by choice.. I am here by the turn of circumstances! Boo Hoo! While blowing my nose, I have sent an email to sup2 and the admissions and will keep checking the email every few mins to see if they come up with an answer. God knows if they took this week off!

And then this happened???

2009-10-07T08:53:00.003+08:00

I have not blogged for a week, not because nothing has transpired, but because the happenings havent brought in a closure yet. Let me confess I am kind of getting tired of this, as the readers would also be of my predicament... It has been around 10 months since I started on this journey. I have written around 7 proposals (4 for Univ.1 and 3 for Univ.2) in 3 major areas of interest, sometimes to reflect my PI's change of interest and at other times out of my own initiative. I am writing my 8th one for Univ 1.((5th one for this Univ ) and working on reviewer feedback on a project for Univ.2. While I have had to start projects from a scratch because even the area of interest changed greatly at Univ 1, I just worked on modifying or extending my proposals in Univ.2. Does that mean my PI at Univ 1 has problems sticking on to something? Something about her working style scares me. But I have a formal only offer from Univ 1 and have kind of deferred it informally.

Last night a kind of eerie numbness descended over me and I feel nothing ever since. I am tired physically, bad headaches and neck pains making it very unplesant. I have to turn in my work at both places in a day or two. But I just cant wait to narrow down on one and start focussing on one area.

Adding to the guilt of a working mom

2009-09-29T10:33:00.005+08:00

While I am still waiting for the miracle to straighten things out for me as I continue to give my divided attention to both the projects, I came accross this from BBC Health thro my twitter subscription/following
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8278742.stm
The Report titled "Working mums' children 'less fit' " did nothing to make me feel any happier. My kid isnt a baby anymore and probably DS is better off with me giving him a little space (unconsciously or because I am forced to), but I still cant help feeling a little guilt and shame. For eg. last evening he had spent an hour coming up with a beautiful graph that had 2 plotting errors. He had used coloured pens and so couldnt erase the mistakes and had to start from scratch instead. He had 2 other items on his HW list and it was already 7pm. I seriously lost it and screamed at him. I am worried about 2 things:-

Probably I have been with him too much and he is used to being a little lazy and negligent.
Transition from being a "mom's baby" to being a "responsible kiddo" is going to be hard on both of us.

I know deep inside my heart that DS is smart and can do without me hovering over him. But I just wish that he did concentrate and focus a little more and put me at ease about my decision to take up graduate studies at this point of time.

I must be the "mother hen" kind or the "Hyper- analytical and sensitive" type (my DH calls me that) ... I really dont think I have to worry about a child who has straight A's in all subjects except PE, despite the school having a continuous asessment system. But the occassional C's and B's that arise more out of negligence then out of lack of understanding of the concepts do worry me.

Why so?

2009-09-25T09:18:00.003+08:00

What should have taken 10 working days for the reviewers has now taken a month and may take a few days more and the blame is on the long weekend.( For god's sake it was officially only 2 days). I thank the secy for the info!
Chemical Suppliers when asked for a quote reply with 2 mails.
1. I will pass it on to the concerned person at desk (??? was this one at sales not concerned with it or does he not have a desk?)
2. The concerned person now asks me for my name, univ and sup's name! Hey come on read the email I have all that written down there in Block letters.
Yet I still sincerely write back to them. Because I need to get my work done.

Since I am angry and wanted to put on a long face and brood, I refused to cook! Isnt that fair?

Predictions???

2009-09-17T10:17:00.001+08:00

I have sent in an email and had called sup2 yesterday.. Have conveyed to them that I cant keep Univ 1 waiting longer. I dont know if it will make a difference to the speed at which they move. Come on girls I have worked on this application for 7 months now! Will upload the pic of the application some time soon. It was tremendous amout of work and the picture makes a pretty proof. But if its not going to work, I want to get on with my life.. settle down at Uni 1. You have prevented me from getting that comforting affiliation. To walk around with the visitor badge and honors at all times invites prying looks. Adding to that is the guilt of misleading Uni 1 and sup1 and now it will begin to include the whole team at Uni 1. I have had enough of it.

With nothing left to do, I check my horoscope (I must be pretty jittery:)). Here's what it reads..
"You know that you are at the end of your rope, yet you aren't quite ready to let it go. However, you must set aside an outmoded way of seeing a current relationship or the stress will continue to increase. You may believe that you can make a few minor adjustments and then move on. But if you do, you still might have to face the realization that more drastic measures will be required, so you might as well address the big picture now." I dont even want to extrapolate and relate this to my current situtation. Is anybody willing to say the good words to me?

What's in store?

2009-09-15T09:27:00.000+08:00

Today started off with mixed messages.. There was a cute email from sup1 that made my coffee taste so much better. A long last friend who incidentally also carries my name called. Within a couple of mins DH was stressed over some job related affairs as I was talking to my friend. I suddenly lost all my enthusiasm and started picking pieces of his conversation. I am so angry with people whose irresponsibility causes stress to others . I just hope things settle down for my DH. He is such a dedicated worker and when things dont go well for him it is a shame. While at it, I hope things settle down for me it. Now I am going to go off on a spiritual pursuit. The only way to calm a mind as tense as mine:(

What's troubling me?

2009-09-14T15:12:00.000+08:00

Was at Uni 1 today. Finalizing RP 2 with prof. Now I am getting pressurized to formalize my candidature. Well if I did that, it seals my opportunity to try my chances at Univ 2.
Well my heart knows that my heart is in the RP at Univ 2 for 2 reasons:-

The big chances for scholarship at Univ 2.
Efficiency of guide 2.
The perceived prestige of Univ 2 internationally.

I do see the justification of Univ 1 pushing me now.. Well they have been patient with me for 5 months. Well I am wondering if I shouldn't let the bird in hand fly off for a bird on the tree .. Or should I? I am too tired to be playing these games anymore.
Update:
Its hours since I posted the above , but I am still feeling so low. What exactly is troubling me ? Me!

Loss of Innocence

2009-09-09T09:26:00.000+08:00

Dear Friends,
DS's school received a bomb threat yesterday. This happened at around 12.30pm and thankfully the school had great crisis management systems in place. We were notified by the school once the evacuation had been completed and the kids had reached their safe houses(at around 1 pm)
I believe the kids were all in class when the announcement was made to them. They were asked to be quiet and walk quickly with only that was definitely necessary, very quietly towards their designated exits. They couldn’t make any noise for the fear of attracting attention of probable intruders. Since they had to move quickly it was important for them to have been already wearing their shoes, those who had taken it off had no time to wear it. Shoes that are easy to put on and take off really do help. These kids had to walk in hot sun at mid-noon and assemble somewhere on a asphalted surface. I cant bear to think of how it must have been for the little ones who had to hurry without their shoes..
Also kiddo said that it was indeed helpful that he had taken his water bottle with him and thankfully his mobile was in his pocket today. I was vehemently against giving him a mobile of his own but relented last week since I will be away from home a lot. Though they were not allowed to use it initially, once the threat was off, he could call me and DH. It was more than 3 hrs after we heard from the school, but it was a pleasure to hear from him that he was safe. A few kids wanted to speak to their parents from the safe houses, but excited as they were a few small ones weren’t able to recall res ph nos and a few MS students hadnt bothered to memorize mobile ph nos of parents. It is always on their mobiles! See that your kids know to reach you.
I could see his school from my balcony, but with the police barricading the place there wasn’t much I could do but to peer at it from home and pray. It was a humbling experience. For those of you who are still thinking about giving that phone to them, and I know a lot of you have resisted giving it to them, I can tell you it may be worth it especially if they have started going to school or classes on their own.
Update- this Morning!
By and large the kids are Ok... DS had incessant hiccups for 2 hours when he came back, despite the fact he had water with him.. I am not sure if it was related tho the incident though! But there are a few kids who kept calling me to find out if they had found the bomb and if it was safe for them to go to school today...Morning the high schoolers had taken it upon themselves to cheer up the younger ones and led them into the bus.. But it was emotional though as one parent rightly said "the loss of innocence".

Did it today!

2009-09-02T20:51:00.000+08:00

Went down to submit the application at Uni2 today. On the way received a email for a committee meeting at Uni1. I lost all my enthsiasm. I went ahead feeling numb and completed the procedures. I also forgot to pay the application fees though they took in all my application materials :)
The only thing that makes me yearn for Uni2 is probably the scholarship. Ofcourse the supervisors are presumably more wholesome, and the project itself more exciting .I just hope it is Ok to decide in favour of Uni2 if I landed with the scholarship. I am starting to feel guilty though. The guilt manifested itself as a terrible headache all throught the afternoon and the evening.

The Dilemma continues

2009-09-01T15:49:00.000+08:00

My fat application file for Univ 2 is now complete and ready for submission . I await the person incharge to return from her hols to submit it. While I am kind of eager to proceed with this project, I get this very sensible email from co-sup of Univ 1.

I kind of freeze in my tracks bcos the dimension she gives this project is fantastic! But since I have been concentrating on RP2, I havent given this project enough time.
I have to continue keeping up with both RP's atleast for another 2 months, till I get to know the outcome at Univ2. I want these 2 months to pass off as if in a dream!

The problem with a renewed start..

2009-08-27T09:26:00.000+08:00

It has been more than a decade since I completed my Masters.. I was a "teacher's pet" and teachers from my school and college graced my wedding, some thing they rarely do, just out of their love for me.

Today, when I have to provide references from my professors I need a miracle to trace them. First of all 90's wasnt really a time when internet and email was widely accessible in my country. So it was hard to keep the communication lines open, especially when I was busy raising a family in an alien land. We were never given personal phone nos to remain in touch. And since I left my home country within a year of graduating, it wasnt really easy to maintain contacts. All of the professors who taught me, have since retired, some of my professors are no more, some have moved on and it is hard for me to trace them sitting miles away from my hometown. Even if I can trace them, not all of them are computer savvy, since PC wasnt a part of their life style.
I am lucky I am in touch with one of my professors.
But today while I am really glad for the oppurtunity to continue studying despite the break , I also long for that familiarity. I had established myself and built a rapport, my name stays engraved as one of the best outgoing students in the dept. Juniors walk down the aisle amazed that one girl won all the awards in her year. The last time I visited the dept. girls stealthily came down to have a look at the person who was spoken about so lovingly by their "terrifying" professors. They refer to all my practical record notes and thesis as they sit as befitting references in the lab. But I still need a reference to prove it here.

So for all you students out there, before you leave remember to get your professors phone nos and email ids. If they dont have one create one may be:)

yay! some light!!!

2009-08-24T16:52:00.000+08:00

The Co-sup met with us today.. She made very few(2) modifications and now the project has reached its final shape for this phase. Hurray!!!

Sup 2 told me that mine was one the most detailed RP's she has ever seen for the stage that we are in and said that this would definitely cut into the first 3 months of procedural work. I was honored to hear that!

Found more help from the extrasup!!!

Yay!!! Things are really starting to look up now.

Why do I let myself get hurt???

2009-08-22T20:34:00.000+08:00

IL's have always been a source of my stress from time immemorial, and no matter physically how far away we live, it still happens on a continuous basis. Phone calls always leave a bitter after taste. Going back home is also very stressful these days. I am such a coward that I want to reduce the number of trips.. These things start eating me so much that it starts affecting me more than just psychologically. They play havoc on my hormones too, just shows how intensely these things affect me.
I cant think of a solution that will be easy on both ends... There are times I feel why totally sane people cant get along just because the relationship brings in expectations. Relationship laden with expectations and conditional love are like the bondages one tries to get out of.

Side Tracked- Expat wives

2009-08-19T11:32:00.000+08:00

I am for the moment going to stop this 'never- to end' doctoral application episode for the moment...
I got to watch a movie portraying the fears, trials and tribulations of an expat family.( 35-40 yr old hubby, early 30's wife and 9-10yr old child). The story of this 1hr .40 min. movie was about protecting children from paedophiles. But that is not what interested me. There were a few casual dialogues, which to me captures the essence of an expat wife's situations, at least in most cases.
Instance 1
The wife in the movie meets a compatriot at a grocery store. She calls her hubby to accompany her to a birthday party at the compatriot's house. The DH at first refuses saying it wasn't necessary to socialize with people you meet at grocery store! Well the wife retorts saying that while his friends are his official colleagues, from his sports club etc, she gets to socialize with people at grocery store, religious groups etc. (probably visa restrictions keep her a SAHM, and she later enrols to study at a local university). DH gives in...
Instance 2
The wife is always stressed and a little apprehensive in the movie. The DH feels she is being a paranoid until he finds a guy trying to climb into their bedroom of their huge house in a quiet, suburb with not so many neighbours.

While I know of expat women who know to live their lives in style, there are others who aren't so lucky. Boredom, loneliness, constant fear of the unknown, guilt of not being there for the elderly parents and in laws , loss of interest and self esteem plague a lot of these women. Some people tell me it is self-inflicted.

The wife of a friend of my DH visited me recently. She has been an expat wife for around 27 years. Found quilting to be her only companion for years. Both her daughters went abroad after their high school diplomas to study at very reputable universities. She is so alone. She is pained but does not hold a grudge. In a way, it was also her decision to stay away from her homeland... But I know her decisions were determined by the fact:-

Their family would benefit from a higher income
The husband's career turned out to be fantastic
They could afford an excellent education for their kids

And so, this post-graduate in Human Development decided to stay home to bury her pain in her quilts . The beautiful colours in the patchwork on her quilt to me were born out of her never to be realized hopes and dreams. My heart went out to her! I may be a drama queen, but I would love to hear your views on the subject.

Delay, Delay and more d.e.l.a.y...

2009-08-15T10:32:00.002+08:00

I am not happy. While the HOD was nice and sounded positive, revisions/approval from the cosups., (of the RP) in terms of the many things discussed earlier and few new ones that propped up into the research design are the only things left to do before I submit the application. While 1 responded immediately, the other one is currently is the "server down" phase and is currently untraceable.. “This line is currently not in service, please try again after sometime.” Sometimes I get the feeling they want me to defend my unwritten dissertation before I get to apply to join the course.. Well, at other times I tell myself it is way better than having to give up a project in between because of the flaw in methodology or it not being feasible at all!

God where is Dr.XCo-sup? Sup 2 is slightly embarrassed and upset with the delay too!I am all huff and puff. It has been 6 months so far and I believe it takes a few months to get the official confirmation since I submit the application.. That's 8 -9 months!!! Isn't this too long? Probably the Univ is checking me out to see if I can stay put for long, which I have been given to understand is one of the mandatory requirements for a doctoral candidate :)But it feels like :(0

Still more to come...

2009-08-12T21:20:00.000+08:00

For the last few days I have been working at Uni.2. Met the Head of School to discuss the possibilities of applying for a scholarship. Well it seems plausible in the least..
And now I am working on actually formatting my RP, cutting down on my Lit rev and looking at adding stuff to justify the project. By this weekend it should be ready. Met other grad students who seem very happy here.

It will take some time for me to decide where and how things are going to turn out.

Its either This or That!

2009-08-07T11:18:00.000+08:00

Now that things seem to be happening at both Univs... it’s now all coming to one thing... and that is processing the visa from the sponsoring univ.. And that brings in new problems because once I have an endorsement from one, switching comes with the usual package of bureaucratic problems both at the Univ and immigration levels... So I have to decide where and what I want to proceed with.

With both PI's not replying my emails all I can do is binge on some high calorie stuff to compose my twitching nerves and feel guilty about this too!

*******

Well Ok now for some updates..
At around 12.noon, I receive an email from sup1, commending my draft proposal and asking me to work on the budget. I am emotionless but also notice the cosupervisors listed from other universities... Well this seems to be moving again. My thoughts are like this
"Well this isnt a bad project, and is more beneficial in terms of giving me some teaching experience. So if this is what I am going to be doing, its Ok... But I will miss the wonderful project and mentor at Univ. 2 though"
I nap for around 2 hours...
At around 2.00pm I receive the second email.. now from Univ 2 calling me in for further discussions this evening... What would it be about?? Hmmm. I am kind of getting excited now:)

Much later well Univ 2 is now having requirement problems.. Do PhD students need publication record for acceptance? They made this up today or what? Back in our country you needed a PhD to publish :)
So it's back to this or that and this and that again:) Oh Gosh..
Did any of you have similar experiences ?

Yet again.. not done yet

2009-08-05T16:42:00.000+08:00

With some positive vibes coming from Univ. 2 and collaborators, I have been asked to submit my proposal and application formally... Well... I was very happy in the morning. But after endlessly looking at the application and the proposal, I am kind of tired....
Wishing me luck!

Gathers momentum

2009-08-04T19:49:00.000+08:00

Its more than a week since I have been back from my rather tedious vacation. I almost thought I couldnt get myself to do all this serious stuff again:) Thankfully it wasnt all that hard to immerse myself into it again.

Well, I am happy since things are moving well at both the universities. We have found researchers who are excited to collaborate with us for both the projects... It's still a neck to neck race:) It will be the scholarship that wold probably decide which one I would pursue.. I am more passionate about Univ 2... but Univ 1 may provide me with better job opportunities. But that's way down the line and is probably what i shouldnt be thinking about now!

A Month Long hiatus

2009-07-19T17:16:00.001+08:00

Oh I feel so removed from academia and am happily lazing at my parent's home. Wll I ever be able to get back to work??? I am leaving in a week and I should get to know about it pretty soon!
Anyway I think I did enjoy the time away from it. But I feel a tad saddened by all the family politics.

Who makes a Good mentor?

2009-06-16T08:01:00.001+08:00

Catch Phrases
Sup 1 - " It doesn't mean that a project is of lower quality just because it is easier to do. To do things the easy way is practical intelligence"

Sup 2- " I want us to take our time and if I do submit a proposal for funding it should be good, it should go through!

Other Differences
Sup 1- Answers emails almost instantaneously or within a couple of hours
Sup 2- Takes her time and says will get back to you.

Sup1 - Has never introduced the panel of co-researchers to me.
Sup 2- Tells me beforehand that she intends to include a person in the team and why exactly she thinks the person would contribute. She has built the perfect team of people who get along so well.

Sup 1- I have hardly seen her communicate with others in the Dept. I havent even seen the others working there (except for 1 of her friends , a lecturer)
Sup2- Often calls me into her office and her buddies walk in and out. Students pop in and out too.

Sup1- Commits to things that sometimes dont happen
Sup 2- hardly commits to anything.

Sup 1- Very very accessible
Sup 2- Is ok on this count.

Who would make a better mentor? Just musing...

A Good Day ! Really?

2009-06-15T19:08:00.000+08:00

With me off on a vacation from tomorrow, it was a big day with a longer than usual to-do list. Had a meeting with sup1 and she said that I could do topic 3 as my phD thesis and be the co-researcher for topic 4. Well Ok with me. But she brought in some procedural things that are important to let me work with the subjects, some membership issues. She also bravely and confidently proclaimed it could be done. I came back home and after I managed to complete the cooking for my son who is now having his vacation implemented the corrections in both the projects and emailed them back to her. So that's it for now for univ.1 ..

While sup 2 from Uni 2 called in to say my results were "very good" - a very rare thing from her! I was elated if only for a couple of secs.

Sup 3 from univ.3 who I sent the refusal letter last week sent a very beautiful letter to me wishing me the best and also expressing his wish to wotk with me in future. Ask me for any help you need at any time he says. I am so so honored!:-)

While things havent been what I wanted them to be in the last few months, I am kind of accustomed to uncertainity and vague emails and opinions. After the last email I was in tears.. Now I can go off for the vacation feeling a little more comforted and pacified.

This is the first time in my 12 years of expat life that I am really not looking forward to the trip back home all that much. I just hope I sit back and enjoy myself with my people. I am pondering if I should carry my laptop or leave it here...Hmmm?

Structuring Communication

2009-06-13T18:02:00.000+08:00

I have found to my dismay that I have a problem communicating with my supervisor 1. She talks a lot but doesn't focus on the project critically as much as I would like her to. I also find her changing topics often and sudenly without notice disconcerting.

I came upon this piece of advice to bring more structure into our conversations and also to probably increase the seriousness of our communication.

Found a particularly useful link on the net.

Here it is http://sciencecareers.sciencemag.org/career_development/previous_issues/articles/2008_06_27/caredit_a0800095

I have to consciously do the following

Make notes of questions I want to ask her and make her answer them
Jot down her remarks
Maintain these as record.
Have a monthly consolidation of our interaction and send it to her.

Learning to say my thoughts out aloud is going to be necessary.

Emotional Roller Coaster

2009-06-12T13:05:00.000+08:00

It was strange that I didn't feel anything after formally enrolling at Univ. 1. But when I met guide 1 the next day (yesterday), she wanted to go back to her originally rejected projected. I tried hard not to show my disappointment during the meeting. Hey come on this was the 4 th time we have changed topics.

As soon as I was out and sat in the car I burst out crying and made a SOS call to DH.The whole evening was spent sniffing, howling, weeping etc. Didn't sleep a wink last night.

The IELTS results were due today. Was playing on their website to see if they were in and lo there they were. Lovely score(Well I knew I would have it anyway). Told myself I will have to work till guide 2 accepts and the Univ 2 gives me a scholarship offer. I wanted to give a damn to Univ1 knowing that my money would never be refunded. But I just couldn't take the topic proposed yesterday.

As I was driving to get the results, got this email from guide 1 who reverted to the much better topic 3. I am like so relieved that I feel so out of energy, emotionally spent I would say.

Now its time to play the waiting game!

By evening it was revert again. And finally like she wants both the proposals done before I leave on a vacation.

The Big Commitment

2009-06-10T12:39:00.000+08:00

I was all in tears this morning before I took DH along to register at Univ 1. Was just sooo tense!
But then he gladly took me along, paid the fees and now I feel so light!

While paying the fees my guide calls up and says she has good news for me and wants to meet me tomorrow. Let's see what she has in store. I hope its just not that she had a new grandchild! Oh Please God No! Don't do that to me!

Decision Making

2009-06-10T06:27:00.000+08:00

Yesterday's 3 hour meeting with Sup 2 didn't really help with the progress of the project. But I see she is pretty serious. I also see that she is very busy and thiskind of lack of time can affect future supervision.

So while I do intend to register at Univ 1 (which I have told her about), I will also wait for this project to through go through the grant review and if it get's it.. I might join here.

But I have decided that I will join Univ. 1 for now.. The suggestion mail from the Oz comittee to whom I had referred the project from Univ.1 also aids making this decision. Let's see!

I just hope and pray things go well!

What did I do during my hibernation?

2009-06-09T12:50:00.000+08:00

This is a post that is written to boost my sagging morale before I meet Sup 2 this afternoon!
Despite the fact that it is 11 long years since I completed my Masters, I haven't totally shut off my grey cells

I helped and seriously participated when my DH did his MBA. (My kid was a year old then)
I did have kids taking dancing lessons from me and also discussed and sought guidance onwork at school. That kept me alive too for 9 long years.
When my child was 5 + I did a serious Multimedia course in a class room setting for a year.
I was an online volunteer and wrote course material and summarized research papers both of which kept me in touch with my field and helped develop my writing skills for more than a year.
I formally taught at school and enabled kids to take tests at the University in Performance Arts and that was a great teaching experience.
And above all I kept reading and surfing arming myself with the latest in my field.

So after the 11 years it wasn't really hard for me to come up with proposals. I in fact feel, that my experience endows me with a maturity to look at the complete picture in a way that wouldn't have been possible had I gone in for a PhD right after my Master's.. Just my thought..

I really don't feel out of touch or unsure of my ability to do it. I know I can. I just hope I can manage and balance my academics and home without too many guffaws. And for the present I want go on and take a bold decision and stick to it. I wish I make the decision specifically in terms of being well mentored and in generally preparing me for a future career. It's high time I resolve this uncertainty.. or will it resolve by itself? (That my fatalist approach coming to the fore again)

Truth and Discomfort

2009-06-08T13:30:00.000+08:00

Even as I sit contemplating whether I need to do a PhD, here are a few thoughts that are racing around to kill me

Is it worth spending my time , money and effort?
Will I give back to the family that is now willing to support me?
Is doing it here worth it at all?
Are my sups serious enough?
Will this unnecessarily jolt my family?
In today's recession, I might not even land up with a job.. wont it be a better option for me to save this money for my kid's education?

Despite all this... Something tells me I have to do it!

Small Steps...

2009-06-08T09:11:00.000+08:00

I have told Sup2 that I have an offer from Uni1 and have also told her that I have a deadline.. She advised me to defer the offer at Uni 1.. Now let's see..

I have a meeting with Sup 2 tomorrow .. I need to see how it goes.. Then talk to DRR and make a decision. I am giving myself a cut off point - This Thursday! So I have one Q to both sups...

"What Happens if this current project proposal is rejected?"

Though it may sound very pessimistic, I think that somewhere in the answer lies the deciding factor.!

Beginning of a Journey

2009-06-05T16:44:00.000+08:00

I am yet another of those women trying to get back to school. I am getting back because I love school. I love research and I want to be a part of the academia, I always wanted to be.
I have had an excellent academic record that people remember for years. Helped me get recos letters even after 13 yrs! I won all the prizes designated for the Master's in my year. I wanted to immediately go in for my doctoral studies but then my parents insisted that I get married.
I did just that for reasons I alone understand:).

Became an expat wife, went to live in a place where English is almost unheard off(well almost!!!)... Just whiled away my time and did different stuff. Had a DS who is around 10 now.

Now I have this nagging feeling to get back to school, since now I am in a place where English is an optional medium of instruction.

Well I start this blog to give a form to my random thoughts and hope that it will aid my slightly faulty decision making, especially when presented with options.

The story so far..
I applied to 3 Universities and all three of them have replied expressing interest and assigning an advisor.
One University has even come up with an admission offer (and a deadline to register by paying the exorbitant (in my view) International Fee. No scholarships scheme here, but they are looking to absorb me into the dept.... Well if the project my PI put up had been approved and received a grant I would have taken this up. I have now extended this deadline since I need sometime to think.. We have started working on another project.. but God knows whether it will get a good funding because of the present recession.

At University 2, the guide is thorough. We have come up with a great project(this was totally mine) and are due to discuss this with a consultant in the coming weeks.. This University is sure to endow a scholarship if the funding comes through and I am keeping my fingers crossed.

University 3 is not in my city, but the advisor seems like a great person. But I probably have to say no because, my hubby travels and our kid is too young to stay alone and I cant think of living away from them :)

Now let's see what my dilemma is...

Should I pay up the registration at Uni. 1 despite not knowing the outcome of the funding for the project?
Should I wait to see if I get that funding and scholarship at Uni 2?
I know I have to say no to Uni. 3.. But what if both these don't happen.?

I am in my mid thirties and I don't want to delay this any more. I want to do this now...
I am now working on 2 different projects with 2 different sups for the last 6 months.. and haven't formalized the candidature as I wait for news on the funding!